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Slappy Jack

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Slappy Jack Photograph by Bill Howard

This is a tale as old as the sea’s. It’s a tale of high adventure, intrigue, suspense, a tale of a great sailor sailing the seas... OK, it’s none of that, it’s mostly a tale I made up in desperation. Desperation you say? Yes desperation, you see we have a fishing trip planned for this weekend, but the wind forecast is looking really crappy. So desperate times call for desperate measures. When the wind blows and I need it to calm down, I call on Slappy Jack.

voodooSlappy Jack was once a great sailor on the vast oceans, who it was told could conjure up the winds when there were no winds, and calm great storms to gentle breezes. Third cousin on his mommas side to Jobu (pronounced Joe Boo, perhaps you saw him in the movie “Major League) he could always be called upon to sail any ship where no man could go. Yet living in Jobu’s shadow took its toll on Slappy Jack. Jobu got all the attention and glory, guest shots on the Today Show, Oprah, 90210, parties at the Playboy Mansion, it was all too much for Slappy Jack.

So in a fit of rage, Slappy Jack made a great trek to find Feng Bo, the Chinese wind god. It was rumored that Feng Bo carried a great wind in a goat skin; Slappy Jack wanted this foul smelling wind in order to foil his famous cousin’s plans of a Super Bowl half time show. pirateDuring a cold and stormy night, Slappy Jack stole the great smelly wind from Feng Bo, it was quite the endeavor, and ninjas couldn’t have done a better job. He unleashed the wind, blowing Jobu off the stage and as he went he grabbed a piece of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe. Justin Timberlake took the fall, maybe you heard about it? Years went by and Slappy Jacks reputation grew and grew. Great New York Blackout? Slappy Jack. Buckner missing that ball down the first base line? Slappy Jack. Mount St. Helens? Slappy Jack. He had finally gotten what he had wanted for so long, fame and fortune. That is until an unfortunate salad fork incident left him blind in one eye. Many claim a conspiracy was afoot, but the truth was Slappy Jack was really pretty clumsy. The accident left him with poor depth perception. One ship wreck after another ensued, he soon found himself with no vessel to captain.

stormOh sure, he got a few endorsement gigs after that, but his alcohol problem grew and he got the reputation as being “hard to work with”.These days he can be found down at the VFW reliving the good ole days with his pirate buddies.

So what does all this have to do with kayak fishing you say? Absolutely, positively nothing. I haven’t been out for two weeks now, this wind just blows and blows. Now we have this stupid storm sitting off the coast and it threatens yet another planned fishing trip.

So I call on Slappy Jack, “Can you help a brother out?”

 


 

About the Author: Bill Howard is a Pro Staff Member at Yakangler.com, as well as Malibu Kayaks. He is also on the Columbia Sportswear Pro Team. Bill is an avid photographer and writer, contributing to numerous websites and publications in the Tampa Bay area. In 2008 he completed a 17 day, 129 mile trip around Tampa Bay raising nearly $4000 dollars for the American Heart Association. He is also a board member for the Tampa Bay Chapter of Hero's on the Water.

Read 4941 times Last modified on Tuesday, 18 October 2011 17:01